Monday, August 2, 2010

Where am I going?

I was kind of throwing myself a pity party last week. Facebook is a silly thing, and I came across a friend of a friend (whom I don't even know IRL) but who obviously is doing big things with her life.
Things I will never get the opportunity, or have the resources and ability to do.

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I was reminded by a post on WifeyLifey, wondering if she should have gone on to pursue a graduate degree like almost all of her friends.
I'm at a young enough stage in life that I don't really have a lot of friends pursuing graduate work, but I still sometimes feel the tension of "what am I really doing with my life?". I'm not sure that doing what I feel passionate about is what I want in a career.
I'm not even sure I want a 'career'.

I'm currently supporting my husband through an education that, one he is finished, will almost assuredly make our lives somewhat unstable (financially and locationally). I have a good job that works perfectly for our current circumstances, even though it is not even related to what I planned on doing.

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When I was in school (2 years ago), I was an extremely motivated student. I was over-involved with academics, extracurriculars, an internship and a job. And I loved it, because every minute counted. I worked hard, and I was proud of my accomplishments. (I was also 15 lbs lighter and stressed to the max)

I feel like "adult life" allows in some measure for me to be lazy and less accountable. I hate my current auto pilot mode. I miss the feeling of personal satisfaction from a job well done, and being pushed to do my best.

There has be some sort of compromise, right? I've found some inspiration in the blogosphere. Natalie is a great example for giving up t.v. to go back to grad school. I'm grateful for Sugar and Spice's admission about a lazy life, and it makes me wonder if my lack of purpose and tired/laziness lately are connected.

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E is incredibly supportive of my dreams and goals. And he's encouraging me to keep thinking about what could be next for me and us.

I'm not sure what the answer is: grad school, different work (once E is out of school), learning to make much more of my free time, or just a shift in attitude. So I'm seeking it out, we're praying about it, and we'll see where things lead. Even though marriage changes a lot of priorities, I'm so thankful for a spouse who thinks its just as important for me to be fulfilled in my calling as he is in his.

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Anyone else feel like they're in a personal or professional funk? What are you doing to stay motivated, active and engaged?

(all sunset photos take by me from the 15 freeway on July 4)

7 comments:

bekapaige said...

This is such an honest post- and honestly I know so many people, myself, friends, who are wondering what they should be doing with their lives. Keep working, change jobs, have kids, go back to work after kids... I think in college it was in some ways easier because there was a set script- be involved on campus, get good grades, land a great internship, etc. There's no script for life and you just gotta figure it out, you know? You're turning to the right places for guidance, God, spouse- you'll figure it out!

Gary, Christie, Anna and Izzy said...

Even with 7 years of married life behind me, I'm still looking for the proper direction for me and us. It doesn't ever end, but the important thing is that you do together, shift goals together, be supportive and with that, you'll get through anything. Can't wait to see you this weekend, my dear.

MayLove said...

I am absolutely feeling the same way! I'm not feeling fulfilled in my job, field of work, personal life, etc. I think part of it is letting go of feeling like I always need to do what is expected, learning to take risks, figuring out what really makes me happy and how to incorporate that into my life. It's definitely a work in progress, but it's been getting me down a lot lately and I know I need to change.

Lauren said...

I think I wrote almost the same post a few months back so I definitely sympathize with you. Right now I'm trying to figure out what's best for me and us. I'm learning to figure out how to do what makes me happy and not what is expected of me. Good luck!

Cathleya said...

I totally sympathize (obviously) but you put it in better terms: it feels weird to be in autopilot. Not planning for the next big thing is very weird; basically I don't have any short term goals (like graduate or get married or anything like that). I have a long term goal of having a kid, but that's not something I'm really preparing for (or interested in preparing for). I can only say that in the end, you're doing exactly what needs to be done right now: supporting your family! I have a hard time seeing other people further their lives right now when so much of my life stays the same, be it finishing graduate school, buying houses (the kind with yards and multiple rooms ;) ) and, heck, even having kids. But it's important for us to all think of what's good and right for our OWN lives... I totally lose sight of that every day.

michelle @ blissful musings said...

It's funny you talk about this. I went to grad school straight out of college and now feel "behind" most of my friends. Many of them are moving up in their field, and having graduated last year I am just trying to earn hours to become a licensed MFT. It's so hard to figure it all out sometimes.

M and C said...

I totally understand. I feel stuck and for a very long time. I think something comes along every 6 months or so to unstick me but then I get stuck again.

I was talking to a friend about this and she said while I figure out what happens in my professional life, I should enjoy and focus on my personal life.

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