Hello? You guys still here?
I'm just back from Atlanta area on a work trip and planning to head out again to Boston tomorrow. Travel is still fun (I love getting out of the office for a few days!) but I can tell its taking it's toll on me. There is never enough time for laundry, house-cleaning, packing [again!], studying, all the office work that piles up for me while I'm gone, or quality time with E. (If I ever had a a job that required more traveling I would hire a cleaning lady and laundress without feeling guilty!)
When I was catching up on grocery shopping yesterday the guy at the checkout asked if I was getting excited about Halloween.
Me: "No, Halloween's not really thing".
"But it's the only day of the year you can be whoever you want to be!"
Then, this just came out.
"Well, I'm pretty happy with being me."
He didn't know how to respond so I just laughed and walked out.
But it got me thinking about why that was my knee-jerk response. It's not like I never wonder what it would be like to be someone else - I've dreamed of being a movie star, a tv journalist, even a witch (a la Harry Potter). And it's not just that I'm not interested in Halloween as a holiday (although I'm not - I don't like dressing up in costumes, or anything scary.)
But I knew the response that came out was based on the fact that I really am happy with me. I generally don't struggle with insecurities or poor self-esteem.
I attribute this to two things. First, I was home-schooled for most of my life. In junior high, when many of peers were sturggling through the agony of puberty in public and trying to grow up fast, I was building tree forts with my brother and playing the piano and writing stories. I might have been fairly sheltered, but after getting to know some friends later in life who had hellish junior high and high school experiences, I am SO grateful for my relatively painless and secure early teenage years. I wasn't measuring myself up to the prettiest, most popular girls my age, and I wasn't suffering from the teasing, bullying or rejection that so many school kids face every day.
But the other and more important reason for my security is that I have grown up knowing that I am exactly who I was supposed to be. I believe that I was created in the image of God, my ultimate creator. This prevents me from trying to be someone I'm not, or just being discouraged with who I am, because it would mean I don't think God did a good job. It means my self-worth isn't based on how I look, or how good I am.
That doesn't mean I never experience self-doubt I have small issues from time to time (could my left eye stop being so droopy? why am I not more articulate/smart/popular?)
The weird thing is, I have thought about blogging about this for a while, but I felt self-conscious about it (does that negate what I just wrote? ;-). So many people blog about their struggle with self-esteem, it feels like people who don't struggle with it are either considered to be arrogant or self-deceptive. (I truly hope I'm not either.) But I want to honestly share that self-esteem isn't something I wrestle with often, and why.
So here's to being a humble, but happy, me